Raising Albert
by KalliopeStarmist
Summary: Neji and Naruto make the ultimate commitment and purchase a plant together. But in the back of his mind, Naruto wonders, is their relationship really strong enough for a step this big? NejiNaru.
1. Chapter 1

Raising Albert

A/N: The goal with this story was to write a steamy, well-developed oneshot. The oneshot part didn't happen, which I realized when I hit 27 pages. So, submitted for your approval, part one. (Thrill as Kallie attempts to write smut for the first time!)

Also, I have an LJ account for fics that I don't want on ol' fanficdotnet, and I intend to post this there (except not right now, as it's one a.m. and I have work tomorrow)... it's called ExcessiveKallie, and if you have some spare time I'm hoping that someday it'll be worth your while to check it out.

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"Lube... where's the lube?"

"It's on the dre-," Naruto shook his head. _Be firm_, he reminded himself. Not that his body needed any reminding on that count. He had rehearsed this conversation in his head so many times before picking up the phone, trying to map out his boyfriend's responses ahead of time. But how was he supposed to know that Neji was going to have his clothes half off before he was fully in the door? "I wanted to talk about something."

"I want to talk to you, too," Neji breathed, completely failing to pick up on the serious tone in Naruto's voice.

Naruto's judgement took a backseat for a moment, and he moaned and let Neji push him back onto the bed. But Neji wasn't playing fair, not if he was going to nibble his ear that way that only Neji really seemed to do right.

"That's better," Neji was quick to pounce on him, hand down his pants and stroking the only part of Naruto that seemed willing to stand firm. "You should know better than to play hard-to-get after you invite me over."

"This isn't what I had in mind," Naruto gasped out. His hands seemed to be in on the conspiracy, reaching up to grab Neji's hair (that hair! What did he _do_ to it, to make it like that?) and pull his head down so that Naruto could kiss him. (Even his mouth was betraying him, now. _Get it together, body, we had a plan!_)

As if responding to his pleading, his fingers dug deeper into Neji's hair and brushed against the knot of cloth tying his headband in place. Naruto had an idea that was just crazy enough to work; Neji flipped out when his headband fell off unexpectedly, if Naruto 'accidentally' untied it, maybe they could stop long enough to talk...

On some level, Naruto was aware that it was not okay to take advantage of your boyfriend's deep-seated psychological issues to control him during sex. On another level, Naruto was dimly aware that this action would make the conversation he had in mind more difficult, not less. But the clincher was the level on which Naruto was very aware that he didn't want to stop just yet.

"I don't want you to stop," Naruto whispered when Neji pulled his lips away for a breather.

"I wasn't planning on it," Neji reassured him with the slightest grin. "Hand me the lube, will you?"

Naruto reluctantly untwined his fingers and groped around on the dresser until he found the little tube. "We need to buy more."

"Do we have enough for now?"

"Uh..." Naruto squeezed the tube experimentally. "I think so..."

"See, this is why I tell you to squeeze it like a toothpaste tube," Neji said, raising a critical eyebrow.

"I do!"

"No, you don't," Neji sighed, taking the lubrication from him and squeezing from the almost-empty end of the tube. "See, like this, so you don't waste any."

"Fine," Naruto snatched it back. "Just a second... I can do this. I am the lube master!"

"I know," Neji's snide little grin was back. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Well," Naruto's voice took on his signature seductive tone, "you can start by taking off your pants..."

"Already did that."

"What? When-," Naruto looked up from the tube he was working on. Neji was, indeed, completely nude. "You're a sex ninja, you know that?"

"Yes."

"Hmm... I still seem to be wearing my pants, though..." Naruto noted.

"I'll get right on fixing that, then."

It was not that Naruto did not enjoy the sensation of having his pants tugged off, accented with the occasional kisses and love bites to his shoulders and chest, or even that he minded extracting the appropriate amount of lube. It was just a lull in the overall action that caused him to remember why he had called Neji to begin with.

"There's not much left... might be a little tight."

"I don't mind," Neji assured him, backing his statement up by running his tongue alluringly over Naruto's navel.

"So, have you talked to your uncle about us yet?" Naruto asked as casually as possible.

The warm sensation of Neji's mouth against his skin stopped abruptly. "NARUTO!"

"What? It's a reasonable question."

"Don't you think this a bad time to ask? I don't ask you how Jiraiya's getting on when we're fucking. You _never_ ask about family stuff during sex. That's practically the number one rule of sex! Nobody wants to start thinking about their mom while someone's boning them!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Naruto apologized hastily. "Although I didn't ask about your mom and I'm not actually boning you at the moment..."

Neji threw him a glare that could have broken a window. "You don't really want this right now, do you?"

"What? No! I do!" Naruto's crotch throbbed impatiently, telling him to fix whatever it was he had done to make Neji stop paying attention to it.

"You've been acting weird since I got here," Neji said tragically, throwing his legs over the edge of the bed as though planning to leave.

"No, no, come back," Naruto begged, trying to grab him without spilling the precious lubrication on his right hand. "I'm sorry."

"Apologizing isn't going to get me back in the mood, now, is it?" Neji asked irritably.

"Well, what will, then?" Naruto asked, turning his seductive voice back on. "I'm willing to make amends, you know."

Neji seemed satisfied with this idea. He crawled back onto the bed, keeping his eyes locked on Naruto to make sure that the blond was watching the way his body moved. "Fine," he purred once he was close enough to bump his forehead against Naruto's, his hair falling around their faces to create a mildly-aromatic curtain around them. "Do you have enough of the lube out yet?"

"Y-yeah."

Neji's mouth twisted into a devious little smile. "Good."

------------------------

Naruto was a red-blooded man. He liked sex. A lot. Of course he liked that Neji liked sex. But the best part about sex... the best part about sex with Neji was that Neji liked cuddling as much as Naruto did. Cuddling was important; the core problem with Naruto and Sasuke's short-lived relationship had been that Sasuke did not understand cuddling. Cuddling after sex said to Naruto 'I really just want to be with you. Sex is good, but it's better with you. So let's cuddle.'

So Naruto's very favorite part of sex was right afterward, when he was feeling a little drowsy, and he could just sink back on his bed, with Neji curled up next to him, and they could just... well, touch each other and say the stupid little things that went through their minds.

Like, Naruto could brush Neji's hair back (it always seemed to end up falling across his face) and kiss him and wait for the little tired murmur of satisfied pleasure. "Don't you wish we could do this every morning?"

"Mmm," Neji more-or-less responded, his fingers absently tracing the lines on Naruto's abs. "We'd never be on time for missions."

"We'd just have to wake up early," Naruto replied, twining his fingers through Neji's hair. Naruto had been thinking about him and Neji a lot lately. They'd passed their six-month anniversary a few days ago, making Neji his official longest-lasting relationship. It was the moments like this that made Naruto wonder, what if he could have this all the time? Wouldn't it be great if he could wake up every morning (or mid-afternoon, as Naruto sometimes did) and find Neji lying next to him, sunlight playing off that entirely-too-pretty face of his? But Neji wasn't the type to talk about his feelings, at least not to the people directly involved in them. Naruto didn't want to rush things by insisting they move in together or anything. He was sure that Neji would want to, but he wasn't sure if Neji would admit that. Better to take small steps.

Naruto took a deep breath. "You realize we've been together for six months, right?"

"Yes, of course." Neji said absently.

"So... did you tell your uncle yet?"

"Sunlight," Neji muttered.

"Pardon?"

"Your window," Neji explained, pointing at the dusty picture window that took up most of the wall opposite the bed. "It gets really good sunlight... it must face south. You should get a plant for it."

Naruto considered the empty windowsill. It was depressingly bare. "You think a plant would do well there?"

"Yeah," Neji sat halfway up, propping himself against the pillows. "I think it would do great," he leaned over to peck Naruto on the cheek, "I bet you're as good with plants as you are with birds."

"So... do you want to go buy a plant or make love again? I'm getting mixed signals."

"We should go buy a plant," Neji decided, "We're out of lube, anyway. And if we're going to do this every morning, we should get used to getting up afterwards."

Naruto thought this sounded hopeful. So, Neji had taken the hint, after all. He whistled as he retrieved and pulled on his clothes, thinking of the happy days to come when they could do this every day.

-----------------------------

Neji never held his hand in public. Needless to say, kissing, hugging, groping, stroking, pet-names, footsie, and most forms of whispering were right out, as well. It made dates about as romantic and intimate as a business meeting.

But they could be fun, sometimes, Naruto thought as he held up a plant. "What about this one?"

"If you don't mind having bright purple flowers in your window," Neji said with typical snobbery.

"I thought you liked purple," Naruto countered, flailing an arm at Neji's decidedly-purple apron.

"I do, but, Naruto, your bedroom and purple are two things that should never mix."

"Then you have to take off that thing before you're allowed in," Naruto laughed as he returned the plant to the shelf.

"Stop it," Neji muttered under his breath. Naruto winked at him.

"You stop it," he whispered back, cattily as possible.

"Your sheets finally match, after years of clashing horribly," Neji lectured. This had been a sore point for the mildly-OCD man the first time Naruto had brought him home.

"Thanks to you," Naruto reminded him.

"Well, I think we should celebrate by buying you a plant that doesn't clash hideously."

"And what plant, pray tell, won't clash hideously?"

"One that doesn't flower purple, pink, or orange," Neji said, sweeping through the store. "Also one that isn't an annual. Or an outdoor plant."

"Picky, picky, picky," Naruto gave an exaggerated sigh as he followed Neji to the houseplants section. He licked his lips a little at the sight of all the plants growing in their pretty pots. Not that he was turned on by shrubbery or anything, but the idea of he and Neji purchasing a plant together. A plant needed _care._ It needed parents. It was as close to adopting a pet as he could get, what with his landlady. This was a commitment.

"This one is nice," proclaimed an unusually-symmetric bonsai floating in front of Naruto's eyes. Naruto jumped back, slowly processing that it was Neji, not the bonsai, speaking.

"Yeah, it's nice. You sure it doesn't clash?"

Neji held the little tree away from him, considering it as though it were a glass of wine. "It will look good."

"Then let's name it Albert," Naruto said, taking the plant away delicately and holding it like a deranged baby. Neji raised an eyebrow at him.

"Albert? It's a plant."

"Neji!" Naruto patted Albert's foliage. "Don't talk like that around our baby!"

Neji rolled his eyes, but Naruto caught the slight grin. Smiling, he turned to their plant. "I will give you a name," he told it deliberately. "A. Name."

"All right, Naruto," Neji grabbed his collar and pulled him towards the cashier. "Let's pay for Albert and get out of here before you can embarrass me any further."

"By ripping off your clothes and having my way with you right here?" Naruto suggested. Neji shot him a warning glare. "Relax, I would never do that in front of our little Albert... at least, not until we've got him home."

Things hit a slight snag at the cashier's station, when Naruto got his first look at the price on his little bonsai in its fancy decorative pot.

"Here, we'll split it," Neji said when Naruto began lamenting the idea of trading Albert for a cheaper plant.

"But then it'll be yours, too," Naruto said as Neji began laying his money on the counter. "It wouldn't be fair to keep it in my room all the time. We'll have to find a way to share it... keep it in our room."

Neji nodded. "I'll think of something."

Naruto was so happy that he didn't even try to force Neji into the sex shop with him on their way back to put Albert in his new home.

-----------------------------------

"Naruto, wake up. I made pancakes, and they'll get cold."

"Mmm, five more minutes, Neji."

"But if you don't wake up now, we won't have any time after breakfast for us..."

"A'right. Water Albert and I'll be up in a sec."

Knock Knock Knock.

"Neji, could you get the door?"

Knock Knock Knock.

"Neji, the door."

Knock Knock Knock.

Slowly it dawned on Naruto that he was dreaming. He opened his eyes, noting with extreme disappointment that Neji's comforting hand shaking him awake was actually the corner of his comforter, and also that it was six in the morning.

"You're lucky I'm wearing boxers, because I'm not puttin' on anything else to answer the door at six in the morning," he grumbled as he unlocked his door groggily.

"If I was really lucky, you'd sleep in the buff."

Naruto squinted listlessly through his door. "Neji, what are you doing here?"

"You said you wanted to start meeting in the morning."

"I said I wanted to have sex with you in the mornings," Naruto groaned.

"Exactly," Neji leaned in to kiss him, and Naruto leaned back, confused but irritated. "What's wrong? I know it's early, but if we want to be out of bed on time..."

"I meant that I wanted you to move in with me so we could wake up together every morning!" Naruto groaned exasperatedly. "Not that I wanted you to beat down my door and demand sex before dawn!"

"Well, now that I'm here..." Neji shrugged, not without a little hope in his eyes.

"I just woke up. I'm not in the mood." Naruto regarded Neji's studiously-unemotional face, trying not to feel guilty. "But since you're here, do you want to spoon or something?"

It always amazed Naruto that someone whose skin and eyes looked like ice could be so warm.

"Albert misses you when you're gone, you know," he whispered when he woke up enough to notice Neji admiring their plant.

"Well, he gets to come home with me today," Neji said, "I figured it out to be the fairest possible. Mondays and Tuesdays with me, Wednesdays and Thursdays with you, for the first two weeks of the month, then switch for the next two weeks. Every other weekend, from Friday to Sunday, we'll switch off. It's pretty simple."

Naruto left Neji's obsessive-compulsive's version of 'simple' alone. "Why isn't he staying here?"

"I thought you wanted him to be raised by both of his parents," Neji purred.

"I don't want him in a broken home..."

"We're not broken, sweetie. We just have _alternative_ living arrangements. Albert will understand."

"Well, we don't have to-," Naruto started working on massaging Neji's shoulder. He wanted to demonstrate as many advantages of living with him as possible when he brought up the subject.

"Mmm... Naruto, it's 8:30, y'know."

"SHIT! I was supposed to meet Sakura half an hour ago!" Naruto rolled out of bed, making Neji squirm uncomfortably.

"It'll be cold without you... can't you blow her off?"

"Future Hokages don't ditch missions to snuggle," Naruto said as he pulled on some pants. "I'll see you tonight?"

"Yeah. Now hurry up and leave before I knock you out and keep you here."

-----------------------------

Nobody in Konoha was under any delusion about Neji's sexuality. Nobody in Konoha had _ever_ been under any delusion about Neji's sexuality, least of all Hiashi. Neji had been girlier than Hinata right up until she hit puberty and grew those- but Hiashi tried not to think about that. The point is that nobody ever pretended to think Neji was straight. True, he had never formally come out of the closet, but at this point it would be redundant.

He _tried_ to be nice to the boy, but Neji seemed to take some perverse pleasure in foiling attempts to be friendly. That was Hiashi's story, and he was sticking to it.

"So, you got a plant," he observed when Neji walked past him with a bonsai in hand.

"Yes. My room could use some green."

"It's nice. It'll cheer the place up a little." Neji's room looked like it doubled as an operating room for a particularly-humorless surgeon. What kind of twenty-year-old bought tasteful framed modern art instead of posters?

"I suppose."

"Where were you this morning, by the way? You must have left before dawn."

"I was... training," Neji shrugged.

"All day?"

"No. I got a plant, too."

"Oh. You know, if you ever want help training... It's not like I have anything better to do."

Neji's entire body went rigid, and he eyed his uncle suspiciously. "Excuse me?"

"Training. Do you want help training?" Hiashi asked as clearly as possible. This was his problem with talking to Neji; he had no idea what he had said to make him freak out like this. It was a _perfectly_ ordinary offer.

"Oh, right, _that_ training," Neji seemed to shake himself off. "Uh, maybe later this week."

"You have a date or something?"

Neji blinked. "Nu- Ye- No. Of course not. I'm going to put this plant down, ok?"

Neji walked off at a deliberately-slow pace. Hiashi shook his head.

"That boy needs to get laid... or get some serious medication."

---------------------

"Hey, Neji. Nice plant."

Neji didn't look up from Albert, whom he was carefully watering. "Hanabi, what do I say about knocking?"

"Pish, knocking is for people who are mooching housing off their uncle," Hanabi shrugged. "Do you want to help me sneak into _The House Down the Road from Real Life_? It's the next in the _Zombie Abortions_ series, and it looks absolutely fantastic."

"You're a little young for that, aren't you?"

"Yeah, that's why I need you to help me sneak in. It'll be a nice cousin-cousin bonding experience."

"I can't."

Hanabi pouted and bounced onto the bed. "Why not? You took Hinata to see _Oh Comely_, and that's at LEAST as racy as this."

"I would love to help you break into a movie, Hanabi, but I've already seen _Down the Road_. I watched it this weekend."

"With Hinata," Hanabi accused. "Why don't you two ever let me come along, huh? Everybody's always ignoring me."

"I'm not ignoring you, and I didn't see it with Hinata."

"Oh, you were on a date?" Hanabi asked. "That changes everything. Who was it? Ooh, was it Kiba? 'Cause he always struck me as barking up the wrong side of the tree, if you get what I'm sayin'."

"I wasn't on a date," Neji snapped. "I went on my own."

"To a zombie film?" Hanabi wrinkled her nose. "Really? Why?"

"People watch movies on their own sometimes."

"Pornos, mostly." A look of comprehension dawned on Hanabi's face. "I get it. Sage Harlequin IS pretty damn hot. I'd jill off to him... if SOMEBODY would help me sneak into the theater."

Neji grimaced at her. "If _that_'s why you want to go, I'll rent a movie for you. I am not sneaking my underage cousin into a movie so she can do inappropriate things in public."

"Don't you judge me," Hanabi stuck her tongue out at him. "You're the one who goes to zombie movies _alone_."

"Look, we'll go see a movie together some other time, ok? Now get out of my room," Neji picked up the plant.

"Why?"

"Because I'm leaving. I need to put Albert in better light."

"Albert?" Hanabi raised an eyebrow. "You named your bonsai? You really _are_ lonely, aren't you? Why don't you let me set you up with someone?"

"Not interested in play-dates, _Honeybee_."

"I know more adults than you. I've also been on more dates than you. What about Sasuke? I've got a friend of a friend who can set you two up. No problem."

Neji shuddered. "Just get out."

— — — — — —

"You're late," Naruto pouted when Neji let himself and Albert into the apartment. The blond was wearing an apron and brandishing a bowl of spaghetti.

"Yeah, I know. Hanabi tried to set me up with Sasuke. Take that apron off, it makes you look like a sea anemone."

Naruto pulled off the frilly pink apron (he had stolen it from Sakura) and set down the pasta. "What, she doesn't think I'm pretty enough for you or something? Did you tell her how much bigger I am?"

Neji put Albert down on the windowsill and grabbed a plate off the counter. "Yes, Naruto, I told my fourteen-year-old cousin my boyfriend's dick size."

"You didn't tell her, did you?" Naruto sighed.

"No! Man, Naruto, I know you don't have any siblings, but surely you have some sense of-,"

"About US, Neji," Naruto fiddled with the pasta server. "You didn't tell her about _us_, did you?"

"No, I was running late, I didn't want to have a big discussion." Neji bit his lip as Naruto flopped some noddles onto his plate morosely. "Hey," Neji grabbed his hand, forcing Naruto to look up. "It wasn't a good time, that's all. I'll get around to it."

Naruto smiled. "Promise?"

"Would I leave Albert in a broken home?"

— — — — — — – –

"Neji, have you seen my flash drive?" Hiashi, much like his younger daughter, did not believe in knocking. "What happened to your plant? Did you kill it?"

Neji was lounging on his bed, reading_ All You Need Are Socks and Coffee: The Polly Perks Story_, and very pointedly not looking up. "Yeah, the plant's gone."

"You only had it for two days."

"I'm not a green thumb," Neji muttered. "I haven't seen your flash drive. Ask Hanabi."

"... So, I noticed you were out late last night..."

"Yeah. I guess."

"Were you at a party?"

"No."

"Were you on a date?"

Neji folded the page down and glared over his book. "Hinata didn't come home at all last night, why don't you grill her?"

"Because she still hasn't come home. I wasn't _grilling_ you, I was just asking. You know, making conversation."

"Well, what did you do last night, then?"

Hiashi sighed. "I stayed up until three trying to balance the clan accounts."

"Wow. Sorry I asked," Neji whistled, going back to Chapter Four: The Duchess Wears Trousers. It must suck, he mused, to get old and have to come up with excuses to be awake after midnight. At three in the morning Neji had been reluctantly tearing himself away from Naruto's passionate embrace to walk across town so he could sleep in his own bed. He noted this as a point for him in the ongoing war between himself and his family, and returned to his book.

— — — — — — — —

Neji's major hobby was birdwatching. Naruto's major stress-reliever was going to the park. Naruto was too loud to be a successful birdwatcher, but they made do.

"Aw, look at that green-headed one! It's trying to get a leg up on that brown one! Ain't that cute!" Naruto tore off a piece of bread from his slice and tossed it at the two birds. "They're ignoring the bread... Hell, I don't blame them... who'd want soggy bread when you could get laid? Go get 'er, little goosie!"

"Those are ducks, Naruto," Neji, crouched awkwardly to avoid sitting in the pond mud, patted Naruto on the shoulder. "Mallard ducks."

"They're cuties," Naruto turned to dab at Neji's nose with his piece of bread. Neji leaned back on his heels, almost losing his balance and falling into the bank.

"Stop it, there are kids in this park."

"Yeah, don't want the little ones knowing about the sexuality of raw bread," Naruto muttered, taking a sullen bite of his bread.

Neji sighed, looked over his shoulder to make sure no one was paying attention, and brushed a finger against the back of Naruto's head, running it through that coarse, split-ended hair of his.

"Hey, the ducks are busy, you want to go back to your place? Check on Albert?"

Naruto tossed another piece of bread into the water. "I was hoping we could stick around here for a while... just you and me and the ducks..."

"And the mud and the little children trying to blissfully enjoy their childhood..."

"What more could you ask for?" Naruto, balancing a little awkwardly, leaned towards Neji, intent on kissing him. Neji leaned backward, and fell into the mud.

On instinct, Naruto tried to pounce on him, and, on instinct, Neji kicked him in the stomach.

"WHOA!" Naruto barely managed to dig his heels into the mud in time to prevent himself from toppling backward into the pond. The ducks took off, squawking. "What was that?!"

"That was me trying to defend myself!"

"Defend yourself?" Naruto grumbled. "Against _me_?"

"Well, you pushed me in the mud," Neji muttered back, pushing himself up. He winced as the mud squished between his fingers. "I'm never going to get my clothes clean."

"Pushed you?" Naruto exclaimed. "I _leaned_ toward you. I didn't even get close enough to touch you!"

"You knew I wasn't balanced well!"

"You weren't supposed to try to get away from me!" Naruto exclaimed.

"What was I supp-," Neji bit back his retort when Naruto glared angrily at him. "Forget it, I'm sorry. Can I go back to your place and take a bath?"

"I guess we might as well."

Neji let him hold his hand on the walk back, but it didn't make things better.


	2. Chapter 2

Raising Albert: Part 2

A/N: Happy birthday, Naruto. I give you my first sex scene and all the horror that encompasses.

Originally meant to be a oneshot, this story is 36 pages long. However, it doesn't break into chapters well.

-------------------------

"Bought a new one, huh?"

Albert rustled as Neji shifted him to peer at his uncle. "Yes."

"That's your sixth one this month, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Well, good for you. Never say never, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"That one looks a little bigger than the others, maybe it'll last a little longer."

Neji smiled from behind Albert. So the tree really _was_ getting bigger. Hah. He and Naruto were great plant parents. He would tell Naruto. Stop him from fussing about their Albert's unstable schedule. Albert was thriving, just like Neji said.

He knew on some level that Naruto was not upset because of a houseplant, but something more fundamental. Neji ignored his levels, usually.

He knew what Naruto wanted, of course, and even understood why Naruto wanted it. But Naruto just didn't understand these things. A perfectly reasonable and natural self-preservation instinct kept him from taking his relationship with Naruto public. He was afraid Hinata would murder him.

Naruto always asked about his uncle, but that was pure silliness. Hiashi was so relieved that Neji no longer openly despised him that Neji suspected he could burn down the house and get away with a slap on the wrist. Hanabi wasn't a problem, either; she was so desperate for attention that she might die if her big cousin deigned to swap dating stories with her. Hinata, though...

It was a bad idea, a _really_ bad idea, to come between an introverted, powerful kunoichi with nothing to lose and her longstanding object of obsession. Oh, Neji could beat her in a fair fight (especially if Naruto was at stake), but the Hyuuga Main House didn't fight fair, and anybody who thought Hinata was the exception was setting himself up for some well-deserved pain.

He couldn't explain this to Naruto, though. Naruto had never caught onto Hinata's decidedly-unhealthy love for him. (Of course, Naruto had never seen Hinata's little shrine dedicated to him, so maybe that was reasonable.) If Neji were to reveal the situation with Hinata this late in the game, there would be no-doubt horrible repercussions. Naruto might not believe him, decide that he was afraid of commitment, and leave him. Naruto might believe him, but think that his fear of sweet little Hinata was irrational, decide he was crazy, and leave him. Naruto might decide that Neji was a horrible person for getting involved with Naruto to begin with, in complete contempt of Hinata's feelings, and leave him _for_ Hinata. Naruto might insist on confronting Hinata with him, and she would kill him and rape Naruto. There was no good outcome.

Neji sighed, kissed Albert on the foliage, and left to make amends.

— — — — — — — — — —

Naruto peered through the peephole his apartment came equipped with to keep him from letting serial killers in. A bowl of ramen stared back at him.

"Man, I'm gonna have drool all over my pillow when I wake up this morning," he sighed as he fumbled with the lock. He'd had this dream before, he'd open the door and a bowl of ramen with nice legs would seduce him...

The ramen turned out to be sitting on Neji's palms, however, and Naruto turned out to be very much awake.

"I brought you ramen," he explained, not that he needed to, since Naruto was already slurping noodles out of the offered bowl. "Does this lack of appropriate hygiene practices mean that we're cool again?"

Naruto sucked a final noodle into his mouth as he looked up. "Maybe," he acquiesced, wiping broth off his chin.

"Because I bought you a new tube of lube, too. And..." Neji handed the bowl to Naruto and untied his headband, revealing another headband underneath. He handed the first headband to Naruto. "I thought you should have this."

Naruto, already gulping down ramen again, swallowed another noodle and looked at the headband. "Neji, that's mine. I lent it to you a month ago, after yours got stolen by that monkey when you took it off because you had a migraine after you drank that SuperGulp Frozen Mocha in one go."

Neji looked at the headband in his hand as though it had done something disappointing. "It's a gift. I wanted to make things better."

Naruto drained the ramen with an audible slurp and set the bowl down on the end table before grabbing Neji's hand and pulling him into the apartment. "Oh, you... Thank you for the headband. And the ramen. And the lube."

Neji gave him an uncertain look, and Naruto sighed. It wasn't fair to jerk Neji around like this. It was Neji, after all. "I'm not angry at you, Neji," Naruto explained, "Just..." Putting his ninja skills to good use, Naruto wrapped the end of his reclaimed headband around Neji's wrist and pulled him closer. "I want to touch you, and I get frustrated when you won't let me. You know what I mean, right?"

Neji certainly did, with Naruto's face so close that every little sprouting hair, every muscle movement was clearly visible. And his eyes, too, bright blue and burning with devotion, looking right back at him. And then that little piece of fishcake stuck to his cheek. At this distance, he was completely, utterly irresistible. Neji leaned over and licked the little ramen bit off Naruto's cheek. "I know."

"Did you just _lick_ me?" Naruto gasped, licking Neji's cheek in return. "Neji, that's inappropriate. You're supposed to be apologizing."

"So you _don't_ want me to touch you?"

"No, I do," Naruto tried to nibble his cheek, but Neji leaned a fraction of an inch away.

"And you're not angry at me anymore?"

"No, no, I'm not angry," Naruto's voice was taking on an urgent, pleading tone. That was the nice thing about Naruto (one of them, anyway), he was forgiving of minor arguments. Forgiving in the best possible way.

"I said I was sorry, didn't I?"

"You did, you did."

"What can I do to make you like me again?" Neji purred.

"I like you, I like you."

"I get sad when you're upset with me, Naru-,"

But Naruto caught Neji off-guard, mid-flirtatious remark, and tackled him flat on his back, into the hallway. "I'm not upset with you, Neji. You returned my headband, didn't you?"

"Well-,"

Naruto's hands had assumed their natural state of being, pulling Neji's shirt off. "Also, you need to take that apron off before you come in. It clashes, remember?"

"My outfit clashes? Naruto, we've talked about your orange," Neji managed to articulate through a moan, "You'd better take the whole outfit off before you're allowed in bed."

"No," Naruto, his work unfastening the apron finished, sat back. Neji, naturally, tried to sit up, but Naruto pressed his hands against his shoulders and pushed him back to the ground. "We're in public, Neji."

"So it's okay for you to take my pants off in your apartment hall, but I'm not allowed to strip you down to your boxers? That hardly seems fair."

"You're the one who's concerned about PDA's," Naruto said. Neji grinned at him, and that's when Naruto realized something was wrong. "I've been logged, haven't I?"

"Why, yes," the voice came from behind him, accompanied by arms wrapping around his chest and hands pulling down the zipper on his jacket. "Yes, you have been."

Naruto surrendered instantly and let Neji drag him off the substitute log he had been doing inappropriate things to. And that, in a sentence, summed up what made Neji so different from Naruto's previous relationships. It wasn't a competition, they didn't communicate by one-upping each other. There was no scoreboard, no running rivalries. They were just... together. And it wasn't a sign of weakness that he let Neji half-carry him into the apartment, fingers darting over his body, skillfully tugging clothing off and making sure that no orange or purple was allowed in the bedroom.

"Naruto..." Neji pushed him against the doorframe before they could make it into the bedroom proper. "What are you wearing?"

"Not much," Naruto murmured, wrapping his arms around Neji's waist. Neji wrinkled his nose and pulled away slightly, eyes sweeping over Naruto's wrinkled black shirt and blue and red heart boxers.

"You can't even make your underwear match?"

"Nobody's gonna see them," Naruto shrugged. His own eyes were focused on Neji's own little fashion faux pas; the brunet still had clothes on.

"I'm nobody, huh?" Neji replied as Naruto ran his hands down Neji's hips, slipping off the loose white pants, that, robbed of their purple apron, were just waiting for the excuse to fall down. He barely managed to glimpse a little red around Neji's waist before his boyfriend pressed their foreheads together, pushing Naruto's head against the doorframe. "I'm nobody?" he repeated.

"Of course you're not nobody," Naruto whispered, tilting his face forward until his lips connected with Neji's. His hand started to wander downward; Naruto didn't care much what color Neji's underwear was... it was what was underneath that counted, after all.

But Neji grabbed his hand before it could reach its destination and lifted it above Naruto's head. Naruto found his other hand, formerly occupied grabbing Neji's ass, was now in a similar situation.

"What are-," Naruto started to ask, but was interrupted by Neji's voice in his ear.

"Something's bothering me," he whispered, nibbling lightly on Naruto's ear. "Leave your hands here, will you?"

"Well, since you asked so ni-,"

Neji let go of Naruto's hands and yanked his t-shirt up over his head in one fluid motion. Naruto struggled for a moment to pull it off his arms and toss it on the floor.

"You could have suffocated me."

"Well, you got angry when I tried to cut one off you... Stop wearing undershirts."

"My nipples chafe if I don't," Naruto said sadly, advancing on Neji until he was pressed against the opposite side of the doorframe. "You wouldn't want that, would you?"

"I could kiss them better," Neji offered as Naruto pressed their bodies, now more-or-less naked, against each other.

"You can do that anyway, if you want," he said, slipping Neji's shirt off (the man had a point, it _was_ easier to take off without any mood wreckage than Naruto's tees). His hands returned to Neji's backside, pressing their hips closer together. Neji had one hand gripping the back of Naruto's neck, the other one in Naruto's heart boxers, making him moan as he traced Neji's collarbone with his mouth. He stepped backward, into the bedroom, intending to pull Neji with him, but Neji's hand on his neck tensed, trying to pull him back in place.

"You still clash," he explained breathily, moving his other hand from Naruto's erection to Naruto's elastic band and easing the blue and red fabric over Naruto's hips and onto the floor. "_Now,"_ Neji surveyed Naruto's naked body, clearly pleased with his handiwork, and kissed Naruto again, "Bedroom."

Naruto resisted, however, as Neji tried to push him over the threshold. "No, no... If I can't clash, you can't either."

"Clash?"

Naruto hooked his thumbs around the band of Neji's underwear and released, letting it snap back. "A red thong? _That_ doesn't clash?"

Neji opened his mouth to explain that he hadn't done laundry in a while, and it wasn't his fault, they were out of detergent, and it was better than dirty tighty-whiteys, and he liked red OK, really, it was just the blue and red heart boxers that- but Naruto locked his lips around Neji's open mouth before the babbling could start.

"It's a shame you're wearing it," Naruto whispered when he pulled away, "Because my sheets finally match after clashing hideously for all these years, and I wouldn't want to ruin that."

His hand rubbed along the contours of Neji's crotch. Neji gasped.

"Take it off," he pleaded.

"I was planning on it," Naruto replied, slipping off the thong, "It looks like it's cutting off your circulation."

Now they were both completely undressed. Their eyes met.

"Bedroom?" Naruto asked. Neji nodded.

"Bedroom."

And then it was make-up sex, pure and simple and dirty. They tripped over each other and flopped onto the mattress as they tried to walk to the bed without taking their hands off one another, they rolled around without disentangling their limbs. Neji ran his tongue over Naruto's nipples, Naruto grabbed Neji's hair and pulled him on top.

"You want to complete this apology?" Naruto asked, and Neji could only kiss him in response. Neji groped around on the sheets until he recovered the unopened lube.

"When did you put that here?" Naruto asked fuzzily as Neji twisted off the cap.

"I'm a sex ninja, don't question," Neji purred, coating his fingers in the liquid. Naruto squirmed as he eased in the first finger.

"'S cold," he hissed.

"Sorry."

"No, feels good... just... ticklish."

Neji kissed Naruto lightly as he inserted the second finger, noting the wiggling grin on the blond's face as he did so. Neji hated to admit it, but he thought that just maybe Naruto loved sex even more than he did, if even cold lube up the ass wasn't enough to slow him down.

A third finger, and a quiet, barely-contained giggle from Naruto, and a little wiggling on Neji's part, and then...

"Is it warming up?"

"Don't worry about _that_," Naruto moaned, gritting his teeth, "If you don't hurry up, we're switching places."

"Impatient, are we?" Neji murmured, pulling his fingers out anyway and replacing them with something a little more appropriate. Naruto wrapped his legs around Neji's waist and pulled them closer, pushing Neji in deeper.

"Damn straight," Naruto growled. As Neji leaned in over him, he grabbed a fistful of hair once more and pulled down, bringing their faces close enough that he could feel Neji's breath against his cheek. They kissed quickly, but Neji was starting to thrust, and he needed his mouth free to breath. His hand, still slick with lube, found Naruto's cock and wrapped around it, jerking in time with his thrusts.

"Forgive me yet?" he panted as Naruto bucked his hips with the rhythm.

"Y- yes... in... a minute."

Things became a bit fuzzy for Naruto after he came; they always did. He saw some bursts of color in front of his eyes as his nerves tingled with ecstasy and his entire body went limp from excitement. He barely noticed Neji's final thrusts, and only became aware that he was finished too when he lay down next to him, and they wrapped their arms around each other, and only then did Naruto manage to pull himself together enough to kiss Neji, long and deep, and whisper, "Okay, I suppose I forgive you. Since you brought me ramen."

"Yeah, I figured that was what did it," Neji whispered back, running a hand lazily through Naruto's short sweaty hair.

--------------------------

"Hanabi, have you noticed anything... _odd_ about Neji's house plants?"

With a practiced air of nonchalance, Hanabi slipped the smutty romance novel she had been reading under the folds of her pants (and her father said it wasn't _practical_ to wear them as loose as she did. Ha.). "You mean his little trees?" she asked, holding her father's gaze for as long as it took for him to completely forget that she'd been reading anything when he walked up to her. Never took long. "Yeah, he keeps killing them."

"But have you noticed a... pattern in how he buys them?"

"Yeah. He kills one, he waits a few days, he goes out and buys another, he kills it, and the whole cycle starts again. The garden center must be raking in the cash on his stubbornness."

"Is he around?"

"Nah, he left to go see a man about a thing."

"See a man about- Is he dating someone?"

"He wishes. Nah, that's just what he says when he's going birdwatching or whatever and doesn't want me to come."

"So..." Hiashi looked around suspiciously and lowered his voice, "You're sure he's not here?"

"That's what I said. You okay? You look a little... er, you look more stressed than usual. Is Hinata pregnant?"

"Maybe, I haven't seen her in a while. No," He sat down next to her on the porch, still glancing about in case Neji appeared behind a tree. "It's about Neji's plants. I think he's up to something."

"Oh, is he, now?" Hanabi asked brightly, as though encouraging a small child to talk about his Hot Wheels. "What exactly do you think he's up to, Daddy?"

"Nobody on earth is bad enough with plants to kill them off as fast as he goes through them. The longest any of them have lasted is four days. I think this is part of an elaborate scheme to stockpile house plants and then-,"

"And then... what?"

"I'm not really sure. That's why I'm so worried. He had a pattern down, you know. He'd buy one on Monday, keep it Tuesday, get rid of it on Wednesday, and then get a new one over the weekend, keep it until Wednesday... but then he didn't buy one the next weekend, and he brought one home on Wednesday and reversed it. I can't figure it out."

"Every two weeks, it sounds like," Hanabi said, and immediately regretted it when her father hugged her enthusiastically.

"That's IT! You're a genius! See, this is why you're my favorite."

"Yeah, thanks, Dad."

"So, I need your help. We need to find out where he's hiding these plants."

Hanabi rolled her eyes. "Dad, you can see through walls. Where on earth could he possibly be hiding a dozen house plants that you couldn't find them?"

"That's what we're going to find out. Don't underestimate him, Hanabi. He's very clever."

Hanabi snorted.

"He's got one in his room right now. I need you to keep an eye on it for me. See where he takes it. Watch what he does with it. I'm counting on you. We're going to solve this thing... before it's too late."

Hiashi, Hanabi often thought, needed a hobby really badly.

-----------------------------------------

Outside the apartment, Neji handed Albert off to Naruto for the weekend. "Say goodbye to Daddy, now," Naruto told the plant, waving one of its branches like a hand. "Bye-bye!" he added in a squeaky voice, trying unsuccessfully to throw his voice. Neji smiled and kissed the plant.

"Good bye, Albert. Be good while I'm gone."

"He always is. Our little angel," Naruto said, kissing Neji goodbye. "Sure you don't want to stay home with me and Albert and nest? I've got some bad B-movies."

"I want to, but I promised Hanabi I'd help sneak her into an R-rated movie tonight. I'll come over tomorrow."

"I'll miss you," Naruto said.

Neji kissed him one last time. "I'll miss you, too. I've got to go, don't want to miss the previews."

------------------------

"Hanabi!"

Hanabi shrieked and threw her hands over her chest as the door to her bedroom flew open on her in a pair of stockings and not much else. "DAD! _KNOCK_!"

"The plant is gone!"

"Do you mind?!" Hanabi yelled, grabbing her dress and holding it in front of herself.

"I told you to keep an eye on it!"

"Get out of my room!"

"Why aren't you watching the plant? I ask you to do _one thing_, and you can't even manage that much. If I ran this clan the way you watch Neji's disappearing plant-,"

"Can I get dressed, here?!" Hanabi screamed.

"Why aren't you keeping an eye on the plant?"

"Because I'm going out and I wanted to get dressed up! Some of us wear something besides our bathrobes in public, you know!"

Hiashi paused and rubbed a piece of his robe between his fingers. "It's a kimono."

"No, Dad. It's a bathrobe. When you pull it up so that it's not exposing three-quarters your chest, _then_ it will be a kimono."

Hiashi apparently filed this under 'unimportant advice' in his mind and forgot it.

"Where are you going, anyway, that's more important than something I asked you to do?"

"I'm going to a movie with my big cousin who doesn't, I don't know, _barge into my room while I'm naked and then stand around and chat with me?_"

"So... Neji figured out that I had sent her to watch him, and lured her away so that he could hide the plant," Hiashi muttered to himself. "You were right after all, the boy is a genius."

"_I_ never said _that_," Hanabi corrected emphatically. Hiashi blinked at her.

"What? I wasn't talking to you. Why are you still here? And why are you naked? Put on some clothes right now, young lady!"

Glaring caustically at him, Hanabi grabbed her clothes and stalked off to change in the bathroom.

-------------------------------

With Neji spending quality time with his cousin, Naruto decided to go catch up with his own 'family,' Sasuke and Sai, at the skeezey bar they frequented.

"Naruto!" Sai smiled and waved him over to their booth.

Sasuke coughed. "I told you they broke up."

"I know, I know," Sai said, "But it's still sad. They were cute together. Two poorly-endowed little ninjas playing house... it was sweet. I'm sorry to hear about you and Neji," he added to Naruto.

"About us what?" Naruto asked.

"Breaking up, of course," Sasuke said. "You want a drink? Or comfort sex?"

"We haven't broken up!"

"Oh," Sasuke said. "Well, you might want to go tell Hanabi that."

"What? When was Hanabi talking to you?"

"Oh, Hanabi and I are biffles. She tried to set me up with Neji tonight, invited me to the movies with them. Said they all think he's been pretty lonely lately."

"What?"

"Don't worry, Naru, I told her I preferred to bring my own baggage to the relationship."

Naruto sighed. "I see what happened. Neji still hasn't told his family about us. I forgot Hanabi already thinks he's gay, though... maybe he'll tell her..."

Sai giggled. Naruto glared at him. "What?"

Sasuke and Sai exchanged an amused look. "Oh, Naruto, honey," Sai said gently.

"You've never heard what they say about the three Hyuuga kids?" Sasuke asked.

"Uh, that they've got funny eyes?"

The pair exchanged another look.

"Tell me, goddammit!"

"Two queer birds and a straight egg?" Sai said. "You've never heard that?"

"What the hell does that mean?" Naruto growled.

"Well, one of girls is straight,"

"And Neji and the other are so gay that they pee rainbows."

"...which sister?" Naruto asked after a moment.

"Well, which one do ya think?" Sasuke asked, rolling his eyes.

"And... everyone knows about Neji?" Naruto asked. "I mean, who exactly told you this?"

"Everybody," shrugged Sasuke.

"The boy has the nicest hair in town and he wears a purple apron."

"So..." Naruto tapped on the table impatiently. "Nobody actually _knows_ he's gay."

"Oh, don't be so dense, Naruto," Sasuke snorted. "The Hyuuga clan isn't blind, you know. Hell, nobody in Konoha is blind enough not to notice Neji."

"Wait, his clan knows?"

"I know they're a weird little cult, Naruto, but give them a little credit for having some basic intelligence."

"So... the Hyuugas... they all know."

"Yes."

"Even Hiashi?"

"Oh, _especially_ Hiashi. Takes one to know one, all that."

"And... does Neji know that they know?"

"I would hope so, given how many times Hanabi's tried to set him and me up."

"So... everyone knows."

"Yes. What are you, deaf?"

"He told me that he didn't want them to find out, and that's why we have to keep secret."

"Well, he's lying," Sai said with a smile. "Buy you a drink?"

Naruto nodded resignedly. "...yes, please."

"And let me be the first to offer you comfort sex," Sasuke threw in. Naruto punched him in the face, but his heart wasn't in it, and it didn't hurt Sasuke all that much.

--------------------------------

Neji stopped by the next morning with pastries, intending to wake Naruto up too early and then offer him food so he wouldn't be upset. But Naruto was already awake. Awake, and sitting at the kitchen table, a mug of coffee clenched in his fist.

"What are you doing up at this hour, huh?" Neji asked, sliding the box of donuts across the table with a smile. Naruto glared at him.

"Did you tell your uncle about us yet?" he asked in a low growl.

Neji, who had been circling the table, aiming for a kiss, took a step back. "Not yet... I didn't even see him last night, and anyway, Hanabi and I were at a-,"

"Did you tell _her_, then?" Naruto asked.

"No, we just went to a movie, it wasn't really how I planned to-,"

"And they have no idea that you're so gay you pee rainbows, huh?"

"Well, er..." Neji gulped. "I'm sure they won't be surprised, really... pee rainbows, huh?" he forced a laugh. "You hang out with Sai and Sauce-cakes last night or something?"

"Yes," Naruto said flatly. "They seemed to think that the entire village knows your sexual orientation."

"Well, I guess I'm not very good at-,"

"Hanabi tried to set you up with Sasuke last night, you know that?"

Neji licked his lips and let out a nervous giggle. "Did she? Ah, well, teens, all matchmakers-,"

"Your entire family is not only all right with you being gay, they're so accepting of the idea that if you announced you were straight they might disown you," Naruto said. "So sit down and explain to me, please, why you feel the need to keep our relationship a secret. And why your little cousin told my best friend that you need to get laid. You _are_ getting laid, last I checked."

"Naruto..." Neji sighed, sat down heavily, and picked up a cheese danish. Peeling layers off the pastry, he said, "Okay, so my family knows I'm gay. But I didn't lie to you, really. I haven't _told_ them. They just... kinda... took it as a given."

"But they don't care. They _want_ you to be dating someone. So why exactly am I not allowed to hold your hand on the street? Why can't I come by your house to pick you up? Why do I have to swear my friends to secrecy before I tell them we're a couple?"

He was angry. Neji rubbed a pastry crumb between his fingers, feeling it turn into a little ball of flour and butter. "I just... I don't want..."

"Is it me? Is that it? You're ashamed to be seen with _me_?"

"No! Of course not! I love being with you!"

"Then why can't we tell anyone? What do I have to do to be _worthy_ of you? It's not enough to just spend time with you, care about you, think about you all the time, and fuck your brains out?! Can you not date anyone who can't trace their ancestry back six generations? Is it so fucking awful to be associated with that damn fox-boy?" His voice broke a little, then, and Neji could see the tears forming when Naruto closed his eyes and bit down on his lip. It hurt just to know that Naruto thought he was ashamed of him, and to know how badly it must hurt Naruto to think that.

"Naruto, I don't give a fuck about any of that stuff," he said quickly, jumping to his feet and walking over to Naruto. He would just hug him, tightly, and tell him that he was sorry, that it wasn't what he thought, that they could make out next to the duck pond, really, he didn't care.

"Really?" Naruto asked menacingly, getting to his feet as well. "Because I couldn't tell." Neji laid a hand on his shoulder, but Naruto slapped it away. "Don't touch me."

"I'm sorry, Naruto. It's not that I'm ashamed of you... We'll... take a plant-care class together or something, bring Albert along."

"That's not enough," Naruto said levelly.

"I'm sorry!"

"I don't want you to apologize!" Naruto yelled, taking a step back. "You can't just get out of this by bringing me food and sleeping with me! It's not about you being sorry, it's about you _listening_ to me."

"Okay, calm down," Neji held up his hands as though surrendering. "I'm listening."

"No. No you are not. I am sick of this. I'm sick of not being important enough to you for you to risk a few odd stares from strangers in the park. I'm sick of not being good enough for your family, your family that you don't even fucking _like_, to know about me. You know, I **love** being out with you. I love the idea of people seeing us together and saying, 'Gee, that Naruto must be a hell of a guy, to have such a fine-looking young man with him.' I want the whole world to know how cute my boyfriend is, and you don't even want to be seen next to me in the fucking grocery store! I am sick to death of rejection, and I do not need it from you, of all people."

Neji gulped. "So, what do you want me to do, then?"

"What do I want? I want you to care about me more than your damn reputation! I want you to move in with me and have sex with me every morning! I want you to tell your goddam uncle and his goddam kids and any other goddam relatives who happen to be around them at the time that not only are you dating me, but you intend to continue dating me until further notice. In fact, I want you to get them to sign a document stating such. I want the entire fucking village to know. I want you to walk up and down Main Street wearing nothing but that red thong and 'I love Naruto Uzumaki' painted in bright orange letters across your chest and back, shouting 'I, Neji Hyuuga, am Naruto's little bitch!' and I want you to serenade me outside my apartment until every person in the building is staring at you. I want you to take me out to ramen and play footsie with me in the booth and call me pet names until the people next to us tell us to get a fucking room. But mostly, I want you to get the hell out of my apartment _right fucking now_, and take your damn pastries with you."

"But-," Neji reached for him again, just to touch him, hoping that would calm him down, change things somehow. Naruto leaned away.

"I told you to get out."

"Can't we talk about-,"

"No! I've _been_ talking about this with you! I've tried to be understanding, I've tried to give you time, and you've just fucked with me! I'm done. Get. Out."

Neji just stood there, staring blankly at Naruto, until Naruto, frustrated, grabbed the box of pastries off the table, shoved it into Neji's hands, and proceeded to shove Neji out the door.

Neji regained feeling in his brain only after the door slammed shut behind him. "Wait! Naruto! What about Albert?"

Naruto didn't answer, and Neji, alone by the door but for his pastries, did something he normally would not have considered and activated his byakugan. Naruto was sitting next to his bedroom window, holding Albert's pot in his arms and crying.


	3. Chapter 3

Raising Albert

A/N: Note to impressionable readers: _Always _use a condom.

------------------

Tenten interrupted her regularly-scheduled morning yoga to find Neji and a box of pastries at Team Gai's door, looking upset and delicious, respectively.

"Naruto broke up with me," Neji explained. "Do you want to eat these?"

So they sat down facing each other on the yoga mat, with the pastries between them. Tenten took an eclair. "Tell Mama Tenten what happened."

"He said that I'm ashamed to be dating him and then he kicked me out."

"Well, are you?" Tenten asked.

"Of course not! If that was the case, I would never have started dating him in the first place."

"Did you tell him that?"

"I tried, but he wouldn't let me," Neji said, waving his arms about to illustrate Naruto's stubbornness. "He kept yelling about how he was sick of me just apologizing whenever I pissed him off. It's like, what the hell am I supposed to do when he's mad? At least I'm willing to admit when I'm in the wrong. Not every guy would do that, you know? He's the one who's being immature. He won't even let me have visitations rights for Albert!"

"Your bonsai?" Tenten asked.

"Yes! I helped pay for him... it was my idea to buy him in the first place, I should at least be allowed to see him on weekends!"

"How hard for you," Tenten said sarcastically.

"I know! I love that plant. How can he take him away from me like this, without even asking for my side of the story!"

Tenten didn't remark that maybe it was something besides a cheap bonsai that Neji loved so much. She was smarter than that.

"Well, he's going to miss having me around," Neji said, glaring intensely at a turnover. "Right?"

"I'm sure he will," Tenten said soothingly. "You'll be the one who got away."

"Exactly. He should have asked me for my side of the story."

"Yes, he should have. Communication, that's what's important," Tenten said. "I'm telling you, Neji, penises are highly overrated. I don't go near the things, myself."

"I know, Tenten. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should just be single for a while. No more buying pastries for someone who won't even wake up for them, no more being hassled just because I don't feel like sitting my family down and telling them about every fucking detail of my sex life. It'll be good for me, prove to me I don't need some guy hanging around."

If Tenten thought Neji was being perhaps a little too assertive about his new independence, she said nothing, only pushed the pastries aside and hugged him.

"We'll hang out and do stuff together, okay? It'll be like old times. Fun."

Neji sighed into Tenten's purple leotard. "Yes, it will be."

Tenten contemplated this, and patted Neji on the shoulder comfortingly.

-------------------------

"You're better off without him," Sasuke said when Naruto invited him over to talk.

"No, he's great. Er, he was."

"Naruto, he was nuts," Sasuke said emphatically. "If you were dating _anybody_ else in this town, they would be dragging you outside all the time. You would have to beat them off with a stick in public. Anybody would be proud to have you... I don't know what his problem was, but you're better off dumping him now."

"Who's going to take care of Albert, though?"

"Albert is a very small tree. I'm sure you will manage as a single parent. Come on, cheer up. You'll meet someone who appreciates you. And let me be the first to offer you-,"

"Shut up, Sasuke."

---------------------------

Hanabi was so unused to the sound of knocking that it didn't occur to her to invite the person at her door inside.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Stop that damn racket already!" she snapped, furiously dotting an i in her journal. Neji poked his head in the door. "What do you want?"

"I just thought I'd stop by and say hello," he said, sitting down next to her on the bed. "I mean, you haven't been in my room to bug me with your inappropriate remarks and teen spirit for some time now."

Hanabi sighed and threw the journal down on the bedspread. "Is something wrong?"

"No. I just want to spend some time with my little cousin. I've been distracted by... things lately, but that's over now, and I need to focus on what matters."

"I'm what matters?" Hanabi asked uncertainly, chewing on her thumbnail.

"Of course! You're family! What matters more than my promiscuous baby cousin?"

"So... does this mean you're finished with your plant scheme? Because Dad's just waiting for the next shoe to drop."

"Well, your father also frequently mistakes Sasuke for his dead mother, so maybe you should stop getting your conspiracy theories from him."

The two cousins sat next to each other in silence for a moment. Neji bounced a little bit on the mattress a few times.

"Uh... so..." Hanabi said awkwardly. "Read any good books?"

"Actually, I just finished the Polly Perks biography," Neji said enthusiastically. "It's really quite inspiring. You might like it."

"Hmm," Hanabi grunted noncommittally.

"It's about this girl from a small, war-torn country that didn't allow women in the army, but she wanted to find her brother who joined the army, right, so she-,"

Neji stopped talking. Hanabi had picked up her journal and was writing in it, not paying any attention to him. He cleared his throat. "So she cross-dresses and teams up with a vampire and a mountain troll, and they get stalked by a werewolf..."

Hanabi said nothing, only continued writing. Certain he was being ignored, Neji got up and left.

_You know who would really like _Socks and Coffee_?_" he thought as he returned to his own, Albert-free room. _Naruto. He would love the part about how to cook hard tack._

He reached for his copy of the book, lying on the floor next to his bed, flipped through it and found the chapter on hard tack. He was about to fold back the page so Naruto would know he had gotten to a part Neji liked, when he remembered that he wasn't going to be lending Naruto another book ever again.

-----------------------------------

Tenten took Lee aside about a week into Neji's Naruto-free life and explained to him that Neji was going to be a little out of it for a while, and that maybe they should schedule some... well, distractions for him. Lee immediately suggested a nature walk. Tenten was powerless to talk him down from it. Unhappily, she explained the idea to Neji.

"Sounds good."

"Really?" Tenten watched him closely, inspecting him for sarcasm.

"Yes. I like nature. I like the forest. Naruto and I tried to identify all the trees in the park one time, and it was fairly enjoyable." He nodded thoughtfully. "Very enjoyable... Maybe we can do that again. I bet you'd be better at it than that annoying bastard. I mean, how hard is it to tell the difference between an oak and a sycamore?"

Tenten coughed. "Uh, why don't we do something that you haven't done before? Like... not look at trees?"

Keeping Team Gai in working order was a full time job. Tenten had forgotten that when they all started growing up, heading their own ways, and (she had thought) maturing.

--------------------------------

"So, Neji... I see you haven't bought a new plant yet," Hiashi decided to swing by Neji's room casually and make some discreet inquiries into what he was convinced was a sinister plot against him.

Neji was rubbing sun screen on his skin, preparing for the nature walk Lee had planned out for them. "I don't want a new one," he sighed, glancing over at the empty desk where Albert used to sit.

"You sure?"

"Yes... I wasn't very good with them."

"I can lend you a little money, if that's the problem," Hiashi reached for his wallet and tried to block Neji from slipping out the door.

"Not really. I'm done with plants. I'm going out... get some exercise."

"Oh? You have a date?" For the first time in the conversation, Hiashi sounded genuinely happy about this, instead of suspiciously-solicitous, but Neji didn't notice.

"Ye-Nu..." Neji hesitated, then shook his head vehemently. "I'm not dating anyone," he said, forcing his way past his uncle, out of his room, onto the porch, and straight into one of the columns that held up the roof.

"You all right, Neji?" Hiashi called after him. Neji didn't respond, but backed away from the column and started towards the street dizzily.

----------------------------------

Team Gai's nature walk went surprisingly well. Tenten found that she was enjoying herself even, as she and her oldest friends meandered along an old deer path in the woods. Lee seemed unusually calm, Neji seemed content to walk along without identifying any trees or telling any ex-boyfriend stories, and Tenten got a rare moment of relaxation.

After an afternoon of wandering without any clear destination, they found themselves back at the gates of Konoha and decided to call it a night.

"Hey, Neji, what's that in your hand?" Lee asked as he went to force Neji to hug him goodnight, a long-standing Lee tradition.

"Oh, it's just that toad we found earlier," Neji opened his palm to reveal a tiny brown toad. "I thought maybe Naruto would like to see it. He likes toads and frogs and stuff."

Tenten cut in here. "Maybe you should leave it in the woods, Neji," she said gently, feeling rather as though she was babysitting. "It's probably happier out here."

"Oh... yes, you're right. Of course."

Lee turned to Tenten as Neji looked for a good place to release his toad. "I give him two more weeks at most," he said.

Tenten looked at her teammate, confused. "Two weeks to what?"

"Get back with Naruto," Lee said as thought it were obvious. "He's going to crack like an egg."

Tenten usually thought of Lee as the least mature and self-aware of their little group. It occurred to her now that she had no basis for this assumption whatsoever.

---------------------------------------

"Sakura, hypothetical situation," Naruto asked one day as they were walking through the streets, trying to think of something to do in their spare time besides watch TV. "Suppose you were with someone who you really liked..."

"Walking along trying to think of something to do rather than watch TV?" Sakura asked. "Well, I would come up with a hypothetical situation about..."

"No, I mean, suppose you were _with_ someone who you really like, and who really likes you... and you have a really good time together, and you love hanging out..."

"And the sex is good," Sakura added in.

"No, not just that! Although, say it is good... say, really good... and the whole set up is just pretty much everything you want..."

"Alright, let's say that," Sakura agreed. "Sounds like a nice little romantic fantasy you've got going in your hypothetical situation."

"Well, say that... this person that you're with is really ashamed to be seen in public with you because you're not good enough for him... but he still cares about you. Do you stay with him?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Naruto? Can you even _hear _yourself right now? Look, I know that breaking up is hard, but sometimes the crazy arrogant bastard deserves what's coming to him."

Narutosighed deeply. "I guess so..."

"Do you want some comfort sex?" Sakura asked gently.

"Maybe..." Naruto admitted quietly, kicking at a rock in front of him. Sakura wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders.

"Come on, let's go watch some porn on my computer. That'll cheer you up."

"You're not going to have comfort sex with me?"

"I don't think you're ready yet," Sakura said, patting his arm. "But I've got a great one where an attractive group of friends get sucked into the sex dimension and start switching bodies with each other."

"Sounds hot," Naruto said miserably.

"Not really, but it's utterly hilarious. You'll like it."

-----------------------------

Neji made it past the two week line, but it was starting to wear on him. He and Team Gai spent a lot of time together, because Tenten and Lee were a little reluctant to leave him alone. As Tenten had promised over pastries that fateful morning two weeks ago, it was just like old times, which meant that all of them were doing a lot more exercise.

"Come on, just 346 more laps to go!" Lee panted as he jogged ahead of them one afternoon, when the sun was at its hottest. Tenten had already started walking along at a reasonable pace behind them, staying with the boys only because Lee's legs gave out at regular intervals, giving her time to catch up. It was just like old times. Except that Neji couldn't remember being this out of breath as a child.

"All right, Lee, I think that's enough," he panted when he realized just how much longer 346 laps around the track would take.

"You're giving up?" Lee asked. "Then we will have to do 700 sit ups!"

"NO!" Tenten and Neji shouted in unison.

"No more training," Neji said. "We're done. Let's get ice cream."

Lee and Tenten looked at him uncertainly.

"I can buy," he offered. "My uncle's been giving me money all week because he thinks I'm having an emotional breakdown."

"So he's throwing money at the problem?"

"It's a big improvement," Neji shrugged. "He usually throws kitchen utensils at his problems."

"Yeah, that's what my mom does, too," Tenten sighed. "Well, I like ice cream when you're buying."

Even Lee was agreeable to the idea of ice cream, and so they strolled at a leisurely pace down to Snow 'n' Sweets, Team Gai's traditional dairy bar spot.

"Just like old times," Tenten remarked as she and Neji stood in line and Lee stood by, agonizing at the menu hung outside the little stall.

"I was in better shape back then, though," Neji sighed. "I _never_ got this worn out just fooling around with Lee."

"That's because you never used to fool around with Lee. You were too good for 500 laps around the track or else. I'm glad you took that stick out of your ass, you were unbearable."

Neji growled a little and muttered something to the effect of "Yeah, I know," which Tenten noted as a sign of embarrassment. To alleviate any sting her reminiscing might have had, she threw an arm around her teammate and gave him a fast, tight, brotherly hug.

"Whatever, you were _our_ asshole, and that's what matters. And I kinda want a triple-scoop tuxedo strawberry cone, old pal."

Neji looked at her sideways as she released him. She winked back sweetly.

---------------------------------------

Neji, balancing a triple-scoop ice cream cone, a large popsicle made of unlikely-colored stripes, and a plain blue two-stick popsicle, tottered over to the bench Tenten and Lee had claimed for themselves. He carefully handed Tenten her cone and Lee his brightly-colored frozen novelty before sitting down comfortably between the two of them.

"Did you run out of money?" Tenten asked guiltily, noticing Neji's cheap little popsicle even as she hurried to lick the melting ice cream off the sides of her cone. "I could have settled for one scoop, you know."

"No, this was all I wanted," Neji shrugged. He broke the treat in two, trying to make the separate pieces as equal as possible. Instinctively, he turned to his other side, holding out one of his popsicle to Naruto.

Lee brandished his own popsicle, looking puzzled. "I've got all I want, Neji," he said, waving away the offering.

"Oh... right, of course you do," Neji grinned and quickly drew his hand away. "Like I was going to give you my popsicle anyway, you moochers."

"You don't even like blue flavor, do yo?" Tenten asked as Neji started to gulp down one of his popsicles before they could both melt on his clothes. "Didn't you tell me once that you were highly suspicious of any color trying to pass itself off as a taste?"

"...yes, I guess I did say that," Neji said after a moment of contemplation. "I suppose I just got used to it. Blue is Na..." Neji choked a little on the last bite of his first popsicle half. "I don't mind it. I don't like ice cream much anyway."

"You used to-," Lee started, but Tenten quickly cleared her throat in a meaningful way.

"Lee, did you ever find those old yoga books I lent you? There were a couple of exercises in there I wanted to try out, myself..."

"Um... I think so. The ones that have how to pour water through your nasal cavity?"

As Tenten and Lee began discussing new and interesting ways to cleanse one's body, Neji relaxed and focused on enjoying his second popsicle. It had been an excruciatingly long day, a day long as only Lee's masochistic training regimes could be, and Team Gai's after-training ice cream had always been Neji's chance to give his muscles and his mind a little rest by simply enjoying the moment.

He held the tip of the popsicle just inside his mouth and ran his tongue slowly around the edge. They hadn't bought ice cream together as an after-training treat for a long time, but he'd had an entirely different way to treat himself recently. And try as Neji might, he couldn't quite convince himself that "blue"-flavor frozen sugar water was a better reward than stripping down and getting a nice, long full-body massage from an attractive and naked blond man, letting himself relax against said blond's touch, feeling those strong hands knead into his shoulders, sift through his hair, rub against his neck...

Of course, it wasn't charity work, but Neji also had no problem when his masseuse finished and sat down on the edge of the bed expectantly, and it was understood that Neji would be rolling off the bed and onto his knees, licking delicately, slowly wrapping his lips around the man's growing erection, lapping his tongue over it, around it, teasing... and then relaxing his throat at just the right moment, sucking, hearing Naruto moan his name...

"_Neji..._"

Neji heard the voice just as he realized that the buzz of cheerful Team Gai conversation on either side of him had ceased entirely and opened his eyes just as he realized that he was deep throating a popsicle. Startled, his concentration broken, he choked, coughing up some blue liquid in the process. Tenten and Lee were both staring at him, looking distinctly ill.

"Geez, take the popsicle out to dinner first," Tenten muttered.

"I think I should get home," Neji coughed, stumbling onto the road. "See you guys later."

Tenten watched unsympathetically as Neji tossed his popsicle haphazardly into the nearest trash can and half-sprinted away. Lee, green in the face, held his thick, cylindrical popsicle out to her.

"Trade?" he asked half-heartedly. Tenten shook her head.

------------------------------

His first venture back into public following this embarrassing incident occurred the next day, when he was sent to the store for a half-gallon of milk.

"This is ridiculous," he muttered to himself as he examined the row of 2-percent, skim, and whole in the refrigerated section of the store. "I don't even fucking like milk." The whole mission was clearly a ruse to get Neji out of the house, either to make him stop moping or to give Hiashi a chance to scour his room for dead bonsai.

Neji selected a carton of whole, spitefully imagining it going straight to his uncle's hips, about the only form of revenge available to conscripted milk-buyers. Snickering maliciously, he joined the line in front of the only open register, which was currently serving a woman pulling along two shopping carts and four small children.

Ahead of him in line were Sasuke and Sai, carrying a basket of taco supplies. Both of them noticed Neji at the same time and glared angrily at him as he stood there, holding his milk tightly in one hand.

"Something wrong?" he asked in what he hoped was a cool tone.

"No," Sai said simply. He cocked his head to one side, considering Neji. "Well, maybe," he amended seriously, as if he were truly giving the question some thought.

"I have an issue with how you're behaving," Sasuke said. "We're not dating, you know. Stop acting like it."

"I'm barely even talking to you, Princess," Neji snorted, rolling his eyes.

"Exactly."

"I have trouble picturing Naruto with you..." Sai said seriously, still wearing the thoughtful expression of someone pondering an important issue. "I think it's because I always think of him dating men."

"The register next to us just opened up," Sasuke said coldly as Neji twitched. "I suggest you get in line over there. Naruto ran back to get some salsa, and we'd all appreciate it if you were gone before he gets back."

Neji glanced over his shoulder, towards the salsa aisle. Sai coughed to bring his attention back.

"Don't worry, he doesn't want to talk to you," he assured Neji. "About anything."

"Well, good, because I don't particularly want to talk to him," Neji muttered, trying to save face even as he retreated to the recently-opened express lane. "Enjoy your tacos."

-------------------------------

The next day, Naruto awoke, as he did every day, and searched his bedroom floor for the pile of clean boxers. "This place is a mess," he muttered as he tossed aside old magazines and food wrappers. He glanced up at his bonsai apologetically. "I'm sorry, Albert. I'm not much of a homemaker." He examined the plant a little more closely. "Is that a taco shell on you?"

It was. Naruto plucked the food fragment off his plant and was about to toss it over his shoulder. "Sasuke is so gross..." he muttered, holding the taco bit between his thumb and forefinger. After a moment of thought, he popped it into his mouth.

-----------------------------------

"I missed you too much," Naruto explained, seizing Neji and flopping onto Tsunade's bed with him. Neji checked the door anxiously, but it was magenta so nobody could get in. "It hurt like pineapple."

Neji's mouth moved to respond, but no words came out. The rest of the room blurred, and he could only see Naruto, the blond hair and blue eyes and sweaty face so close to his own.

"I want you..."

"But we have to find the map before Tenten does!"

Naruto laughed softly at him, because even though Neji was worried about Tenten finding the map, he wasn't making any move to stop Naruto from running his hands along his stomach or grinding their hips together.

"We have a little time before the cinnamon starts. And I want you more than telephones."

Neji awoke with an unnecessary sense of urgency and a throbbing erection. After spending a moment orienting himself (it was morning, he was in his room, there was no map and Tenten was not looking for it), he decided that perhaps the time had come to deal with the fact that he had not had sex in over half a month.

Closing his eyes, he took a few deep breaths and tried to remember the feeling of the dream. What had Dream Naruto said to him? His hand grasped his still-stiff member. It had been the most romantic thing he'd ever heard...

"I want you more than telephones," he whispered as the dream came back to him. His eyes opened. "I want you more than _telephones_?" he asked his penis, irked. "You got hard over _that_? What does that even mean?"

His penis gave no response, and Neji realized that he was having a conversation with his morning hard-on. Taking a few more deep breaths, he tried to focus on the task at hand (so to speak). "Just like riding a bike, only more stress-relieving," he assured himself. Now, step one was to find a good sexual fantasy and elaborate, then include appropriate hand motions. Start in the shower... no, the dream had a good idea, the Hokage's office... on that couch in Tsunade's office, alone, when Naruto comes through the window...

"No... dammit, nobody I know; that's just creepy," he muttered. Right, the couch in Tsunade's office, and that guy from the zombie flicks that Hanabi's always drooling over...yeah, him, he's pretty sexy... he comes in through the window, in a thong... yeah, but it doesn't leave much to the imagination, and he grips the back of Neji's head and pulls him into a kiss, and his other hand is down Neji's pants, yeah, just like that...

"_WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"_

Neji's entire body jerked up into the air at the high-pitched scream. Hanabi was standing frozen in the doorway, an airhorn in her hand and an expression of pure disgust on her face. Neji snatched a sheet over his exposed body, but the sheet still had a telltale tent in the middle, and the damage was done.

"HANABI! This is why I tell you to knock!" he shrieked.

"Don't yell at me! It's not my fault you're a pervert!" she shrieked right back. "All I wanted was to wake you up and see if you wanted to go dumpster diving with me!"

"Maybe... Give me about fifteen minutes... _alone._"

"Fifteen minutes, really? That's giving yourself a lot of credit. Forget it, I'll go on my own. You and Mrs Neji's Hand have a _good day_."

Neji winced as she slammed the door behind her, making his tasteful framed art rattle on the wall.

-------------------------------

Naruto spent the day cleaning his apartment. He wouldn't normally, but Albert had only ever seen it clean before, and he wanted his baby growing up in a clean, sanitary environment, not a disgusting bachelor pad.

--------------------------------

Neji's average training session was not actually very strenuous. As one might expect, it was more focused on _looking_ than on anything athletic. He estimated the distance to a certain tree behind him, then measured it, or he counted birds, or he searched the compound for various family members' porn stashes (Hanabi was particularly clever about her hiding places because she was hiding them not from a five-year-old little cousin, but from her father). The goal was not to punch the hardest, but to observe the most and as accurately as possible. Being able to pick out the important information in the sensory-overload that was byakugan use required a vast amount of concentration.

Unfortunately for Neji, he didn't seem to have any amount of concentration on hand, and he wasn't finding his search for Haruhara's copy of _Busty Babes III; The Panty Seductions_ as calming as it usually was. Neji had turned his normal training routine into a meditation, and the disruption was particularly wearing on his mental health. He could handle the erotic dreams, the mental list of things he wanted to share, the lapses in memory that lead him to pick up toads in the woods, but he could not deal with his meditation time, _his_ time to unwind and clear his head, being constantly interrupted by unwanted thoughts of Naruto rudely busting into his mind and demanding attention.

His only solution was to brush up on the old taijutsu, in the hopes that the constant movement would distract him into a pseudo-meditative state. With this in mind, he pulled out an old training dummy to poke black and blue.

"Jugular, diaphragm, backbone," he recited as he spun around the straw bundle, tapping each spot in turn, paralyzing, winding, and permanently disabling it as he went. "Rib one, two, three, four-," Perhaps he was tapping a little harder than would have been necessary on a real enemy, but the stupid straw hair of the dummy was reminding him of... "FIVE!" he yelled, trying to block the name from forming in his mind.

When a timid little hand tapped against his shoulder, he almost broke it _and_ its owner's solar plexis as he angrily spun to face them.

"N-Neji?" Hinata smiled shyly up at him, seemingly unaware of the fact that he had almost put a palm through her chest.

"Hinata! Don't sneak up on me like that! What are you, crazy?!"

"I've been worried about you," she said, gently grabbing his hand, which was still stopped centimeters away from her chest, and pulling it up to her eye level to examine it. "You've busted your fingers up," she told him. "You don't need to hit that hard."

"You're not the only one who's ever practiced," he muttered, pulling his hand away. Hinata, as always, ignored his resistance and hugged him.

"Please let go of me," Neji sighed hopelessly.

"You've been upset lately," she whispered sadly into his chest. "Everyone's noticed. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Neji said shortly.

"Please, Nii-san... I know we haven't always gotten along, but I want you to be happy. I really do."

"There, there," Neji said, patting her head bluntly. "It's nothing to do with you." Which was, of course, a lie, but what was he supposed to say?

"But that doesn't mean you can't talk to me," she said, innocently as always. "It helps a lot to have someone to...well, to tell things to. You might be surprised."

"No, I know what it's like to have someone to talk to. Honest. You don't have to take responsibility for my sanity, Hinata."

"Yes I do! I'm your-,"

"If you finish that sentence with anything other than 'cousin', I'll hit you."

Hinata sighed heavily, and Neji realized, with a bit of an unpleasant jolt, that she really had not intended to finish her sentence with 'cousin,' and also that he did not want to know exactly what she _had_ intended to finish it with. "Well, even so, I care about you. You don't have to keep secrets from me."

_Oh, that's what you think, mah girl,_ Neji thought bitterly to himself, but he managed to disengage himself from Hinata without breaking any of her limbs. "I don't have to, but I want to. Really. Now could you stop prying, _please?_ I'm trying to kill this lump of straw, and you're in my way."

"Well..." Hinata wavered on the spot, glancing between him and the path back to the house. "I guess... but..."

Neji tapped his foot against the ground and glared at her stonily. "Can you just once decide that your stupid second-class cousin is capable of making his own decisions?"

Hinata cringed as if he had slapped her, making this the first time in the conversation that she had the desired reaction to something he said. "That's not fair, Neji."

"I just want some alone time. Do you ever do that, Hinata? Huh? Spend time alone? Thinking? By yourself?" Neji snapped back semi-hysterically.

"Please don't be angry at me..." she whispered, ironically being even more infuriating.

"That would be easier if you'd take a hint when one slapped you in the face and left me alone," Neji growled over the sound of his brain exploding. Hinata instead stepped forward again and laid a hand on his arm gently.

"When you've calmed down, you should come talk to me," she said seriously. Neji wondered if maybe they had accidentally slipped into different space-time continuums so that she was hearing a completely different conversation from the one they were actually having.

"Fine, whatever. We'll talk _later_," Neji lied irritably. Hinata smiled at him, relieved for reasons beyond his understanding, and walked serenely back to the house.

-------------------------

Ten minutes later found Neji beating the straw dummy to within an inch of its straw life.

"You want to take care of me? Seriously? Do you have any idea the lengths I go to to protect you? I'd give up a healthy relationship to spare your fuckin' feelings!" he growled at the dummy, jabbing his hand straight through the beat-up chest. He was in the compromising position of trying to yank his hand free again when Hiashi decided to show up.

"Not you _too,_" Neji groaned as he threw his weight backward and knocked the dummy off its stand, still attached to his hand.

"Do you need some help?"

"No," Neji grumbled, kicking at the lump of straw on his wrist.

"For the love of-," Hiashi snatched up the dummy. "Pull."

"I said I didn't need help," Neji muttered resentfully, finally jerking his hand free.

Hiashi rolled his eyes as he tossed the dummy off to one side, but decided not to pursue the conversation further. "Hinata asked me to come check on you because she,"

"I'm sorry I snapped at her, but she wouldn't leave me alone! There's only so much 'heartfelt discussion' I can deal with before I just can't humor her anymore," Neji burst out, half-pleading and half-screaming. "I'm a very private person, I can't change that just because she thinks a good leader talks about her subjects' feelings all the time!"

"...thought you were going to break your fingers," Hiashi sighed flatly, holding out his palm, "Give me your hand."

Neji winced in anticipation as he held out his hand for his uncle to grab. "Please don't hurt me?" he asked hopefully.

"You don't need any help hurting yourself," he muttered, bending one of Neji's particularly-bloody fingers. Neji winced again. "Really, you're going to fracture every bone in your hand if you keep this up. Gentle fist is _not_ the method for letting out steam. Neither is picking on Hinata... or whatever the hell you did to Hanabi to piss her off at you."

"Well, that _should_ have been an appropriate method," Neji whispered bitterly to himself, nevertheless feeling grateful that Hanabi had not told her father what she had walked in on. "Is Hinata-sama very upset?"

"Oh, probably," Hiashi sighed absently, balling Neji's hand into a fist without noticing the tears welling up in his nephew's eyes from the pain. "You're going to end up with fingers like your grandmother's before you're thirty. I know when you're young you think that you're invincible, but believe me, m'boy, it's not-,"

"I hate it when she's upset," Neji said through teeth gritted against the pain in his abused hand. "I try really hard to take care of her, you know-,"

"Wouldn't it be nice if you could extend that courtesy to yourself once in a while... you don't even like Hinata," Hiashi muttered to himself, finally releasing Neji's hand to pull a spool of bandage out of his pocket. "Come on, keep your hand out. If I can't make you behave rationally I can at least make sure you don't cripple yourself permanently."

"I just wanted some time to think," Neji tried to explain before yanking his hand back. "Hey! That _hurts!_"

Hiashi only tightened his grip on Neji's hand as he continued to wrap the bandage around Neji's finger in what felt like an effort to crush the remaining bones and blood vessels. "I hurt you because I love you. Stop _moving_."

"Yeah, you really love me," Neji snorted sarcastically. "OW! You're doing that on purpose!"

"If you'd stopped hitting so hard when your fingers began hurting, this wouldn't be happening now. Pain is an important evolutionary response, Neji. It tells you- _I said stop moving-_ when you are endangering yourself. If you are doing something that causes you pain, you need to re-evaluate what you are doing."

Neji watched uncertainly as his uncle tore off the end of the bandage now tightly encasing Neji's fractured fingers. "Is... this one of those lectures that contains a hidden larger message about my life?" he asked cautiously.

Hiashi looked at him as though he had started speaking Martian. "Huh?"

"Never mind," Neji sighed, flexing his hand experimentally. "Thanks for taking care of my hand, I guess."

"All in a day's work," Hiashi sighed, rather as though he wished it wasn't. "But do try and watch out for yourself from time to time. I really prefer it when you're not hurt or dead."

Neji laughed humorlessly. "How sweet of you... would... by any chance, would this preference still be valid even if it was in direct conflict with one of your loved ones' preferences? Like, say Hinata tried to kill me..."

"Your paranoid fantasy worlds never fail to amaze me, Neji. Nothing on earth could make Hinata want to-,"

"It's a hypothetical situation," Neji interrupted quickly, leaning in slightly. In the back of his mind, a glimmer of an idea was growing. "I mean, if she tried to kill me, would you stop her?"

"_Of course_ I would stop her," Hiashi said, rolling his eyes. "Believe it or not, Neji, you do mean _something_ to me. Maybe not as much as my natural children, but I'm still not going to let them murder you in front of me."

Neji mulled this over. He must have looked particularly forlorn while doing so, because Hiashi gave the most fidgety, uncomfortable, inept cough Neji had ever heard and said, "...Do you want a hug?"

Neji, thinking of other things, only computed the question at face value. "I really could use one, actually, now that you ask."

"Well, uh..."

"Not from you," Neji added on quickly, taking a step back. Hiashi looked relieved beyond words to hear this, but Neji was now thinking about the last time that someone offered him a hug. "But you can... yeah, why not. Can you meet me in the living room in about half a minute? Of course you can. He wants me to tell my goddamn uncle and his goddamn kids... Yes, it'll work! It has to work!" Neji muttered to himself, rushing off without another glance at his confused uncle.

-------------------------------

Hanabi was sitting on her bed, drawing mustaches on the heroine on the cover of her latest serial romance, when Neji burst open the door.

"Hanabi, get in the living room right now while I find your sister," he shouted quickly.

"She's already in the living room," Hanabi said flatly. "And I don't take orders from you."

Neji furrowed his eyebrows. "Fine. If you are not in the living room with the rest of your family in the next two minutes, you are no longer my cousin," he growled, slamming the door shut behind him.

Hanabi sighed. "Fine, I'm going, I'm going."

------------------------------

Hinata, true to Hanabi's word, was in the living room (a furniture and decoration deprived room that rivaled Neji's for cheerlessness. The Hyuuga family generally used the term 'living room' ironically.), talking to Ko, a distant cousin whom she got on with better than any of her close relatives.

"Yeah, I know I really enjoyed-," he was saying when Neji burst into the room, waving a piece of paper and a pen in one hand.

"HINATA! And..." Neji hesitated, as though he had forgotten Ko's name, even though the two of them saw each other fairly frequently. "Ko! Both of you! Stay right here! We're having a family meeting! I have something important to tell you!"

Hinata nodded quietly, but Ko, always on the lookout for drama (the Hyuuga Main house being ridiculously and famously dysfunctional), scooted towards the door discreetly.

"This is a family thing, I'll give you two some privacy," he whispered prudently. Neji stepped in front of him.

"No, you too!" he said. "You're here, you have to stay! This is important!"

Ko, like most Hyuugas, had many an opportunity to regret the unfortunate circumstances that had placed in him said clan. He had the distinct premonition that this was going to be one of those opportunities, an impression that Hiashi's arrival did nothing to refute.

"All right, I'm here. What do you want?"

"Not yet," Neji said emphatically. "We have to wait for-,"

Hanabi slouched into the room, looking around unamusedly. "Dad, too? What, are you finally going to tell us what the bonsai thing was about?"

"No," Neji said, rolling his eyes, "This is much more- KO! Stay right where you are!"

Ko, who had been trying to inch out the door unnoticed, froze solid.

"Now," Neji cleared his throat and looked around the assembled four people standing in a rough semi-circle before him. "I have something very important to tell you all."

"Make it snappy," Hanabi said impatiently, "My show's about to come on."

"Stop interrupting me and maybe this wouldn't take so long," Neji snapped at her.

Hinata coughed delicately. "What were you saying, Nii-san?" she asked sweetly, looking up at him with innocently-loving eyes. Neji's resolve almost vanished, but it was too late to turn back now and he knew that, deep down, he didn't want to turn back anymore.

"Hinata, I'm sorry that I snapped at you. You were just trying to help."

"For the love of fuck!" Hanabi burst out, ignoring the glare her father shot her for the expletive. "You dragged us out here to apologize to _Hinata_? What is wrong with you lately?"

"Shut up, Hanabi," Neji snapped. "Just, let me have this one thing, okay? Ko, I mean it, you better stay the fuck put!"

Ko gulped and returned to his spot next to Hinata.

"_Right_," Neji growled, "Hinata, I apologize for this morning. Now, Uncle, Hinata-sama, Ko, Midget," (Hanabi glared), "I have something to tell you all. I've..." Neji took a deep breath. Hanabi snorted audibly. "I've been dating Naruto for about six months and, if he'll have me, I intend to continue dating him until further notice. There. I said it."

"Uzumaki?" Hanabi asked, raising an eyebrow.

With a glance in Hinata's direction and a wince anticipating the pain of her springing on him with a knife, Neji nodded. Hanabi wrinkled her nose.

"But he's so... _blond_," she said. Neji decided to ignore her and deal with the more pressing matter.

"Hinata," he said gently, "I know this must come as a bit of a shock to you..."

"Not really," Hinata said with a polite, puzzled smile. "Tenten told me."

"You _knew?_" Neji choked out, pictures of how hellish his life had been for the past month flooding into his mind. "But... I told her not to tell anyone! Especially not-,"

"Well," Hinata blushed, "She told me not to tell you that she told... but she kind of let it slip... it was our second date and she wasn't thinking... please don't be angry at her, Nii-san."

"SECOND _DATE_?!" Neji gasped.

"We've been going out for about three months," Hinata said, her face going a deeper pink with happiness. "I'm sorry, I should have told you, but..."

"So when you haven't come home..." Neji stuttered, turning green, "You and her..."

"I've been spending the night at her house sometimes," Hinata admitted, smiling slightly.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!" Neji shrieked.

"Tenten... thought you'd be upset," Hinata said, "which is silly of her, but she said-,"

"She's damn right I'm upset! You can't date my teammate, Hinata! I put my foot down! I- I- My whore teammate's been screwing my baby cousin and you expect me not to freak out!?"

While Neji shouted until his face turned purple and Ko looked for a corner to hide in, Hiashi turned to Hanabi.

"So... _you're_ the straight egg?" he asked quietly.

Hanabi nodded. "Yup."

"Hmm... I always figured it was your sister," he shrugged, turning back to watch Neji and Hinata. "You've just always been so... you know. Masculine."

"Thanks, Pop," Hanabi said flatly. "Just... thanks."

"I'm not too young," Hinata was saying, "You and Naruto-kun are the same ages as Tenten and I, and that's fine with you."

"That's _different_!" Neji shouted. "I'm not my little cousin!"

Ko tried to make a break for it again, but Neji saw him. "You're not going anywhere until I get your signature!" he yelled, sprinting after Ko, who had made it out the door.

He tackled the man around the legs and pulled him to the floor five feet from the door. "Sign here!" he demanded, shoving the paper and pen in front of the flattened Ko's nose.

"Why?" Ko gasped, taking the pen anyway.

"I need to prove to Naruto that I told you," Neji explained. Ko signed the paper and, when Neji let him stand, took off to a more stable section of the Hyuuga compound. Neji, panting, returned to the room.

"All right, you heard me," he said to his remaining relatives, "Everyone sign."

Hanabi grabbed the pen, signed, and scrambled off to watch her television show. Hinata signed, smiled at him, kissed him on the cheek, and walked off calmly. Hiashi picked up the pen and looked at him.

"What are you waiting for?" Neji asked, impatient to get to phase two of Naruto's requests.

"You really need this, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Then let's make a deal, nephew," Hiashi said, folding his arms threateningly. "I sign... and you tell me what's going to happen to the dead plants."

"What dead-?" Neji started, then realized what was going on. "Are you serious? Look, there was only ever one plant and it's not dead. It's in Naruto's apartment. We were sharing custody."

Hiashi looked at him suspiciously. "A likely story. Very convenient that you tell me this after you decide that you're dating Naruto."

Neji sighed heavily. He suddenly missed Albert very, very much, and the unwelcome interrogation was the only thing separating the two of them. "Okay, you win. I started stockpiling plants to piece them together into a miniature forest that I was going to plant outside in winter to convince you that there was a hot spring under our property to see if you would try and dig it up, but the plants kept dying, so I gave the last one to Lee and gave up."

Hiashi smiled, satisfied, and signed the paper. "I knew you were up to something."

"Yeah, well, it was a good prank in theory," Neji sighed with a lighthearted shrug, snatching the paper away. "Thanks, bye!"

------------------------------------

Sakura, like any good ninja, did not get hangovers. She simply got the all of the symptoms. Hangovers were for the weak.

Stepping out her front door and onto the street, her sensitive eyes covered protectively by dark shades, Sakura turned her feet unsteadily in the direction of the apothecary to pick up a few extra ingredients for her special not-a-hangover cure.

"Dammit, Ino, I should never let you talk me into nights out," she muttered darkly to herself as her ears throbbed from the street noise.

Suddenly, the noise stopped, as did the people moving around her. Sakura turned her head slowly in the direction everyone was looking. Someone was shouting and moving in her direction. Against her better judgement, Sakura lowered her sunglasses so she could get a better look.

Had her symptoms not been so overblown, she would have laughed, as most of the other spectators were doing. The source of commotion was Neji, wearing a bright red thong, something written in day-glo orange across his bare chest.

"I, Neji Hyuuga, am Naruto's little bitch!" he was shouting. Sakura clutched at her head as he reached her and shouted this mantra near her delicate ears. Grimacing, she ducked back into her house, vowing that Naruto would suffer great pain for her headache.

----------------------------------

Naruto, still in his boxers, was staring suspiciously at his milk, trying to decide if it was worth keeping or not. He couldn't remember the last time he had cleaned out his fridge. Well, it had to have been pretty recently, since Neji had taken it upon himself to organize his stuff for him.

"So, within the last week, huh?" Naruto asked the carton, then shook his head. "No, it's been longer than that... I would ask Albert, but I don't want to remind him about the breakup. It would upset him..." Naruto trailed off sadly and decided, when in doubt, to keep the milk so as not to waste it.

"_I was alone, I took a ride, I didn't know what I would find there! Another road where maybe I could see another kind of mind there!_" some idiot started half-singing, half-yelling from outside his window, which was open to let Albert get some air. Naruto rolled his eyes as he returned the milk to his fridge.

"_Ooh, then suddenly I see you! Oooh, did I tell you I need you? Every single day of my life!_" the singer continued, clearly only partly aware of how the tune went.

Naruto surveyed his collection of mostly-empty salad dressing bottles and tried to block the 'music' out as the singer stumbled uncertainly but steadfastly through a verse about how he didn't lie and he wanted just to hold him. Naruto could hear some people laughing from the floor above him.

"That's so romantic," he heard someone say distantly. That was when he decided to put a stop to this nonsense. Not because he was jealous of the mystery serenader's target, but because the racket would disturb Albert, who just wanted a little time outside.

"_Ooh, you were meant to be near me! And, ooh, I want you to hear me! Say we'll be together every day!"_

Naruto stalked into his bedroom and stuck his head out the window. "Hey, you wanna keep it down?!"

"_GOT TO GET YOU INTO MY LIFE!"_ Neji shouted up at him, dropping down dramatically to his knees as soon as Naruto's head became visible over the windowsill.

"Neji?!" Naruto shouted, squinting. "What are you wearing?"

"_What can I do, what can I say, when I'm with you I want to stay theeeeeere!_" Neji continued singing, but paused to take a breath and shout up, "Hey, is everyone in the building staring yet?"

"Yes!" Naruto snapped, suddenly realizing that his neighbors were, indeed, all staring back and forth between him and the barely-clad man on the ground. "Get up here!"

Slamming his window shut, Naruto stalked back over to his front door, then back to his bedroom to pull on some sweat pants before returning to the door to lean on the frame with his arms crossed, the picture of indifference.

"The Beatles, Neji? Really?" he asked when Neji made it up the stairs to Naruto's door. He tried to concentrate on a point somewhere just beyond Neji's head, avoiding any actual eye contact.

"You said you wanted me to sing in front of your window, and I don't know many songs," Neji explained. "I got you a gift," he explained further.

"Is it another headband you borrowed from me?" Naruto asked, trying to sound cold.

"No, it's my family's signatures stating that they know that you and I are... er, were a couple."

Naruto looked at him for the first time, then slowly took the paper Neji was offering. "It is?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I didn't tell them earlier. I was being unreasonable, you were right," Neji said seriously, "And I want you back. So. Do you want to go out for ramen so we can discuss this and, if that goes well, possibly play footsie and call each other pet names until the people in the next booth tell us to get a fucking room?"

Naruto grinned slightly, reading through the Neji's signature collection. "Are you doing everything I asked? Is that what this is?"

Neji nodded.

"So, you're willing to move in with me and have sex with me first thing every morning?"

"If you'll let me," Neji whispered, biting down on his lip anxiously. It wasn't the walking around town in a thong that Naruto _really_ wanted, of course, but if this didn't work, then Neji didn't know what else he could do.

With a joyful, relieved laugh, Naruto jumped at him, throwing his arms around Neji's neck. "Of course I'll let you!" he cried, pulling his reclaimed boyfriend into the hug that Neji had been craving for longer than he'd care to think.

"You're getting orange paint-," Neji started to say as he felt his "I love Naruto Uzumaki" paint rubbing off, but Naruto pressed their mouths together, and Neji had no intention of objecting. And, even though he could feel the paint rubbing onto Naruto's body, he couldn't be worried about the mess they were making, because Naruto's naked chest was pressed against his for the first time in far too long. Naruto leaned into him even more, without breaking the kiss, and this time Neji lost his balance and fell backwards, Naruto on top of him, onto Naruto's welcome mat. Naruto's hand cushioned his head and neck well enough, but it was not Neji's most dignified moment.

"You all right?" Naruto gasped, landing a sloppy and shaken kiss on his neck.

"I've been worse," Neji panted honestly. Bruises healed, after all, and now he had Naruto, half-naked Naruto, lying on top of him, sucking on the soft skin of his neck as if to say "hahaha, I've wanted to give you this hickey _forever_."

Naruto moved to Neji's mouth once again, but he pulled back enough that their eyes could meet and Neji could see the contented smile on the blond's face. "I thought maybe you wouldn't come back," he whispered. "And I..." he trailed off and kissed Neji again hungrily. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too," Neji moaned, closing his eyes blissfully. "Like telephones."

"Of course you did," Naruto replied, deciding not to ask for fear of ruining the mood. Instead, he thrust his hips against Neji's crotch. "Want to know how I can tell?"

"Well, you just pushed me onto the floor and I'm still hard?"

"I didn't pu-," Naruto started, but Neji wrapped a hand around his neck and pulled him their mouths together.

"Cut me some slack, I haven't had sex in about three weeks," Neji explained. Naruto smirked.

"We're going to have to fix that right now," he said, gently pulling his hands out from under Neji's head and propping himself up on his elbows. His tongue traced down Neji's chest until he hit the smeared orange paint that had once said his name, and then he pulled back, grimacing at the acrid taste. He inched further towards Neji's legs, finally stopping right above the brilliant red thong.

"I love this thong," he grinned, pulling the garment away with his teeth. Neji moaned, feeling the warmth of Naruto's tongue as it licked at the tip of his neglected penis.

"I missed you-," he choked out.

"Very touching," came an unamused, female voice from somewhere behind him. Naruto's head snapped up.

"Oh... uh... Hi, Michiru," he said bashfully. Neji tilted his head back to see a young woman in a short skirt, with her hand on her hip.

"Naruto, I appreciate that you two are doing well as a couple," she said, "And I also know that I tend to bring home men and be a little loud about it, and I appreciate your understanding on these occasions. But blowing your boyfriend while lying in my way to get back into my apartment is _really_, _really_ pushing it. So take it inside, nobody needs to see that."

"Right, sorry," Naruto said, hoisting Neji to his feet. The thong fell off, but they left it on the doorstep as they slipped into the apartment.

"I was so looking forward to that, too," Naruto muttered as he pulled off his sweat pants and boxers absently. Neji brushed his fingers longingly against Naruto's naked hips. Naruto grabbed his hand and pulled him closer. "Yes?"

"I wanted to take those off," Neji explained. Naruto grinned at him, forcing one knee between Neji's legs, tangling them together.

"Sorry, my mind's on other things," he laughed, squeezing Neji's hand. Neji winced, and Naruto, for the first time, noticed the heavy bandages. "What happened to your hand?"

"I was taking out some frustration on a dummy and things went a little too far," he explained as Naruto licked his finger tips- the only part of his hands not covered by bandage.

"Poor Neji... I didn't know you were injured. You'd better get in bed right now."

"Will you be joining me?"

"How else are we going to get you laid?"

They migrated into Naruto's room, Neji only stopping briefly to notice how it was almost-clean and the bed was almost-made with almost-clean sheets.

"Something wrong?" Naruto asked, wrapping his arms around Neji from behind and burying his nose in the long, dark hair covering his neck.

"I didn't think you'd do this well without me," he admitted.

"I missed your obsessive cleaning," Naruto sighed, hot breath running against Neji's spine. He took a step forward, pushing Neji ahead of him. "We're almost in bed, keep going."

Naruto spun Neji around when they got to the edge of the bed and pushed him back onto the mattress. A satisfied smirk spread across his face as his eyes swept over Neji's slightly-orange but still utterly sexy body, and then he dropped to his knees.

This time, no irrate neighbors interrupted.

------------------------

"Was that my name you were screaming?" Naruto asked as he crawled onto the bed. Neji nodded and reached out to run a bandaged hand over Naruto's cheek. "I must have lost my touch. That was half-coherent."

Neji's hand clumsily closed into a fist as he tried to pull Naruto toward him, but Naruto resisted and reached for the night stand and the barely-used tube upon it. "I haven't even gotten started yet, you know."

"Of course you haven't. Would I have walked through the village almost-naked if I thought you weren't going to keep me up all night?" Neji asked, propping himself up to kiss Naruto again, keeping their lips locked, rubbing one bandaged hand along Naruto's inner thigh.

"I guess I owe you, then," Naruto said, pulling away to unscrew the lube with his teeth. Neji smiled and ran his tongue along Naruto's collarbone, almost making the other man swallow the cap.

"Did I tell you how much I missed you?" Naruto panted, his fingers reaching Neji's entrance and putting the lube to good use.

"I can imagine," Neji whispered, once again pulling Naruto into a kiss. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting so long."

"It just makes _this_ more fun," Naruto moaned back, gently positioning both of them back on the bed.

Despite the weeks of tortured erotic daydreams, Neji could not believe how wonderful the real deal felt. No matter how vivid he had thought his awkward wet dreams of Naruto plunging inside of him were, there was no doubt that none of them had even begun to capture the true experience.

_I am a moron for putting this apology off,_ he thought blurrily as he and Naruto moaned and thrust and locked lips and released, panting, and repeated the process.

The sun was setting when the two of them decided they were too tired to move, let alone try for one more time.

"I'm glad you're back," Naruto whispered for the billionth time, his voice hoarse after the intense afternoon. Neji agreed for the billionth time. "My room has been missing something, decor-wise, that I've been meaning to ask you about."

"Hmm?" Neji inquired vaguely, running his foot lazily along Naruto's calf and only half-paying attention to the conversation.

"I think it needs something... deep chocolate brown," Naruto whispered, pressing his lips into Neji's hair. "And something... off-white, almost a cream color..." he kissed Neji's cheek. "And maybe a very light touch of lilac," Neji closed his eyes to let Naruto kiss his eyelids. "It would just make the whole room perfect."

"You're getting better at decorating," Neji smiled as he opened his eyes to meet Naruto's soft blue ones. "That would look lovely."

"Well, since my sheets finally match and my floor is visible and Albert fits in so beautifully, I thought it would be a shame to leave the whole thing unfinished," Naruto wormed an arm under Neji's neck and held him closer, both of them now facing Albert, gold-green in the sunlight. "It'll be perfect."

"Yes," Neji agreed, snuggling closer to Naruto's body. "Perfect."

--------------------

Polly Perks (c) Terry Prachett  
Got to Get You Into My Life (c) The Beatles  
Sage Harlequin and the _Abortions _series (c) to my friend JohnnyObnoxious (avaible via deviantart).


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